Loki
by bob-the-blue
Summary: Wip. AU. What happens when an 8 year old Harry Potter becomes the god of mischief? Whatever Loki wants to, that's what.
1. Chapter 1

1988

An 8 year old Harry Potter sat in his 'bedroom' under the stairs, eyes filled with tears. Life was terrible for the small child. He had never known his parents, their love or even any kindness in general. All he had known was his aunt, uncle and cousin, and all the misery and abuse they brought upon him.

He couldn't take it anymore. He had to end it all, if for no other reason then to be reunited with his parents. Life was just to hard for him to go on. His aunt had always kept the cleaning supplies in the cupboard with Harry. He knew enough from school that if he drank enough, he would die.

As he lifted up the jug of bleach, a voice came out of nowhere. "Are you sure you want to do that?"

Harry instantly dropped the jug in fear.

"Who's there?" the child asked.

"A friend. Someone who wants to help you. Is your life really that bad young Harry?" In the dark, the emerald eyed child just nodded his head. "If you really want to see your parents, that's not the way to do it. People who commit suicide go to a bad place."

"Who are you?"

"I've been called many names over the years. You may call me Loki, and I have an offer for you."

"What kind of offer?"

"I can reunite you with your parents." Harry wasn't a stupid child. He knew that anytime someone offered you something, they wanted something in return.

"What do you want in return?" The voice chuckled slightly.

"You are a bright child, aren't you? All that I ask for is your body. I no longer have one of my own. If you give me yours, I can guarantee that you'll be sent to be with your parents." Harry smiled. This was almost too good to be true.

"This isn't some kind of trick, is it?"

"It's true, I've been known for playing my share of tricks. But I promise you, this isn't one of them." Harry could feel the truth in the voice's words.

"What do I have to do?"

"Just verbally accept, and then go to sleep."

"I accept your offer." Harry lay down and closed his eyes.

"I hope you find happiness child. For your actions this evening have changed the world."


	2. Chapter 2

August 1991

Albus Dumbledore sat in his office, sucking on a lemon drop. When he wasn't busy with school or ministry matters, this is where one would usually find the aged wizard.

The new school year would be starting soon. This was the year that Harry Potter was supposed to start at Hogwarts. He had sent out the boy's acceptance letter himself.

And speaking of letters, it was at that very moment, a owl flew into his office and dropped off a letter. Albus opened it and read it.

_Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,_

_How are you sir? I received you acceptance letter for Hogwarts the other day, and I must admit I am slightly confused. Not the usual confusion a muggle raised child might be, but confused because I am already enrolled in a school of Magic. I started at the Celestial Academy of Extended Learning two years ago. So I must officially decline your offer to attend Hogwarts. Though, I'm sure Hogwarts is a marvelous school, I am quite happy where I am. Thank you for you time._

_Sincerely,_

_Harry James Potter_

_C.A.E.L_

_Ps, You are more then welcome to check my educational status with the Ministry of Magic._

This wasn't what Dumbledore had been expecting. He was sure that Harry was still unaware of the magical world. But the child did sound happy in his letter.

Albus threw back another lemon drop. He would check with the Ministry, and if everything was on the up and up, he would send a letter apologizing for the mix up to Harry, and wish him all the luck.

He knew Harry was destined for great things. And he, Albus, needed to be an influence on him. It would be better to be a friend, then some manipulative old man who seemed like he was trying to control the boy's life. He would offer the boy advice and guidance when appropriate.

And with that, he left his office, humming a tune no one else remembered anymore. The man was a century and a half old.


	3. Chapter 3

December 1991

Sirius Black lay shivering in his cold dank cell in Azkaban. It had been a decade now since he had been locked up without so much as a trial. Damn Crouch had sent him away like this.

All of the sudden, footsteps could be heard approaching his cell. The door opened, and in walked a small figure. Sirius looked up.

"Hello Sirius, how you doing?" Sirius blinked. The voice was obviously young. The 'child' was wearing green and gold robes. His hair was short, blonde and spiked slightly. It had a few traces of blue in it.

"Do I know you?"

"Yes and no. I'm your godson Harry. And at the same time, I'm kind of not."

"Oh, that's not confusing at all, is it?"

"I didn't think so. But so simplify it, I'm Harry, but I'm also someone else at the same time."

"Kind of like possession?"

"Sort of. Here, let me make things more comfortable while we talk." 'Harry' waved his hand, and Sirius was now sitting on a leather couch. "Better?"

"Much. Wait, if you're Harry, you need to know…"

"I know you're innocent. I know everything. That's why I'm here. How would you like to get out of this place?"

"You can prove my innocence?"

"Probably. But that's not what I had in mind. You see, aside from being Harry Potter, I'm also Loki, god of mischief, chaos and multiple orgasms. You're from an old family, I'm sure you know of some of the Avatar stories."

"I'm slightly familiar with them. But if you can't prove my innocence, how can you get me out of here?"

"I was thinking we just leave, what do you think?"

"Wouldn't that make me a fugitive on the run?" Sirius asked. Loki reached into this robe and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it over to Sirius.

"I pulled a few strings. Since you were never given a trial at all, I was able to convince the American Department of Magic to grant you amnesty."

"Wouldn't the British Ministry just come and get me?"

"Normally, maybe. The two big reasons that probably won't happen, is because in order to extradite you, they would have to prove your guilt. You never had a trial. And we both know if you did, you'd be found innocent. The other factor working for you is that the Americans Wizards reallllly don't like their British counterparts. They think they're all ass backwards."

"Agreed."

"So, how does the beach sound to you? It doesn't snow in California very much."


	4. Chapter 4

February 1992

The village of Hogsmeade was on the verge of panic. The 'mass murderer' Sirius Black had escaped from Azkaban. Something nobody thought possible. Aurors were patrolling the streets of the village.

Today happened to be a Hogsmeade weekend for the students of Hogwarts. Well, them, and the sole student attending the Celestial Academy of Extended Learning. In reality, Loki had made the school up as an excuse for him 'knowing' magic he shouldn't. And it got him out of having to really be anywhere. All the documents at the Ministry were legit. Being a god, he was able to be a lot more efficient at lying, and making the establishment believe it.

Loki walked down the street of the village. He was the only one just enjoying the walk. Everyone else seemed to be hurrying to and from their destinations. He walked up to an Auror.

"Excuse me, why so much fuss?" He asked the Auror.

"Haven't you heard kid, Sirius Black has escaped."

"I had heard, but why the commotion here? I was under the impression that he was living in the colonies now." The Auror raised an eyebrow.

"Don't believe every school rumor. Speaking of, you seem to be a bit young to be here."

"Oh, I'm not a Hogwarts student. I'm just visiting the village for the day. Now, I'm off to the candy shop. Good day officer." Loki then walked off towards Honeydukes.

10 minutes later found Loki walking out of the shop with a bit lollypop in his hands. He spotted a seventh year student standing all alone a few feet away. He walked over to her.

"Hello pretty lady. Would you like a lick of my lolly?" He just grinned. The girl's hair turned from brown to red quickly.

"Excuse me?" Nymphodora Tonks said.

"I just thought you'd like some of my sweet goodness." Loki wiggled his eyebrows at the girl. She turned away in a huff and started walking away. "By the way, your cousin Sirius says hi."

Tonks stopped abruptly and turned around. The boy was gone, disappeared into thin air.


	5. Chapter 5

August 1992

The line at Florish and Blotts was very long. Today was the day that Gilderoy Lockhart was signing his new book 'Magical Me'. Most of the people standing in line were Witches. But not all. Loki decided to visit the Alley today.

He was standing next to a bushy haired girl, about the same physical age as him, and a red haired girl a little younger.

"I can't believe it's really him." Said the brown haired girl.

"Yes girls, it's really me." Said Loki. "You can all bow down." The girl blushed, then got a slightly angry look on her face.

"I wasn't talking to you. Whoever you are." Loki bowed slightly.

"Loki, god of mischief, chaos and multiple orgasms, at your service."

"Loki wasn't the god of multiple orgasms." Said the girl, in a snotty tone.

"Yeah, the history books tend to leave things out. I have yet to find a history book that tells the whole story." This obviously wasn't the right thing to say to Hermione Granger. Her love of books rand deep, and here was the bottle blonde making fun of them.

"Isn't Loki also the god of lies?"

"Actually, that's quite backwards. I never directly lie. In fact, lies cannot fall from my mouth. Sometimes people just can't believe the truth, and always assume they lying to you. Or, a person might be one who cannot tell the truth, and is always believed to be." At this, Loki gestured towards the back of the shop where Lockhart was signing books.

"Are you insinuating that Gilderoy Lockhart has lied?" said some random witch within earshot.

"I'm not insinuating anything." Most of the woman standing around him now were slightly fuming. That such a boy would badmouth such a great man. They were all glaring daggers at him. Loki just grinned at them all. Behind his back though, he conjured a red envelope, and dropped it. Instead of falling to the ground, it shot towards the dope with the fake smile.

"_GILDEROY LOCKHART! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY DAUGHTER IN SUCH A WAY. I HIRED YOU TO TUTOR HER IN DEFENCE, NOT MOLEST HER. HOW DARE YOU DEFILE SUCH AN INNOCENT GIRL! I HAVE HALF A MIND TO CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL TO THE DEATH OVER SUCH A MATTER. YOU WILL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYERS!"_

As the letter shredded itself, the shop was silent. No one said anything. They were all shocked to. Except for Loki, he just grinned, and turned to leave the store. Sure, he couldn't speak lies, but that doesn't mean he can't spread them. Half truths can be such fun things.

As he exited, he noticed fellow blonde, Lucius Malfoy and his inbred son enter. Just for shits and giggles, he placed a sign on Draco's back reading 'I need a hug from a mudblood badly'. For once, he didn't stick around to watch the chaos.


	6. Chapter 6

November 1992

Lucius Malfoy was angry and confused. He had slipped the diary in with the girl's books. He was sure that it would lead to attacks at the school. The bit of his Master in that diary would insure some kind of mess at the school.

It was his goal to have Dumbledore removed from the school. The lemon sucking old fool had no place to run Hogwarts. The school needed to be cleansed of all unworthy blood.

But all was quite. Things obviously weren't going to plan. He would have to send a letter to Draco inquiring about the situation. He had to be careful in his wording. Draco was unaware of his plans, and wasn't able to lie well enough yet. He was only 12 years old. Sure, he would make a great Death Eater someday, that day just wasn't today.

Lucius had been disappointed when his son hadn't befriended the Boy Who Lived the previous year. He couldn't take it out on Draco, as Potter didn't show up. It had taken a great many contacts and bribes to find out the whereabouts of the boy. He found out he was attending some small school no one had ever heard of. He couldn't even find out where the school was located.

That night, he'd take out all his frustrations on his wife. No, he didn't beat or abuse her. He was just really rough in the bedroom. Lucius had always been a big fan of anal sex, so he tended to plow his wife's backdoor often. He smiled viciously when he made it bleed.

What he didn't know, was that his wife faked all of that. Her husband just wasn't very big. So she put on a big show for him. Secretly, she was having a good number of affairs with men bigger then three inches.


	7. Chapter 7

December 1992

The Christmas holidays were quickly approaching. The students at Hogwarts were busting with excitement. As they ate dinner one evening, the doors to the Great Hall opened to reveal Rubeus Hagrid, the groundskeeper. He walked into the hall, and over to the Gryffindor table.

"Er, 'ermione, there's a package outside for you." He said.

Hermione and a number of other students got up and headed outside. In the entryway to the castle, there stood a large crate with a letter attached to it. The letter had Hermione's name on it.

She opened and read the letter.

_Dear Miss Granger,_

_After our discussion in the book shop a few months ago, I thought you might appreciate this as a Christmas gift. _

_Loki_

Hermione was shocked that he would remember her. Then she thought about it for a second. She never told him her name. She then found a second piece of paper.

_I know your name, cause I'm a god. Duh._

_Also, don't eat any of the fig pudding tonight. Trust me._

Hermione had Hagrid open the crate. It was a giant book. It was a cube, 5 feet by 5 feet by 5 feet. Easily the biggest book anyone there had ever seen.

The title: _"Hogwarts: A history – Unabridged"_ Hermione's eyes went wide, and she almost feinted.

The teachers told the students to return to their dinners. Then they all gathered around the book. Professor Flitwick offered to shrink the book for Hermione, which she accepted with thanks.

Professor McGonagall told her that such a book was probably priceless. There had been rumors about such a book existing, but none of them had ever seen one.

Hermione was so happy. She skipped back to dinner, with her new book in her hands. Luckily, she took the advice regarding the fig pudding. It turns out someone had done something to it, and everyone who ate it, spent the night sitting in the bathroom.


	8. Chapter 8

May 1993

Sirius and Loki were sitting on the beach in sunny Los Angeles. They each had a drink in their hands.

"Ah, one of the benefits of being corporeal, booze and babes. Speaking of which." Loki gestured down the beach to a couple of hot women in bikinis. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a one hundred dollar bill and handed it to Sirius.

"What's this for?"

"Put it in your zipper, and you'll have a chance. Trust me."

"Bugger off."

"Such language in front of young ears." Sirius flipped his companion the bird.

Loki looked at his watch. "Ok, 5….4….3….2…and 1." On the count of one the body of Remus Lupin fell beside Sirius.

"What the bloody fucking hell?" yelled Remus.

"Moony, I didn't know you had it in you to swear like that. I'm so proud." Said Sirius.

"Sirius?" Remus said, reaching for his wand and pointing it at the animagus. "What's going on?"

Loki decided to speak up. "Hey Remus, care for a margarita?" The werewolf looked confused.

"Relax Moony. No one's going to hurt you. Harry might drink you under the table, but that's about it."

"Harry?" Remus looked at Loki.

"I go by that, or Loki. Have a seat, you look worn out."

"He always looks worn out." Remus sat down in the sand.

"But Harry…Sirius…betrayed your parents."

"Nah. He was set up."

"But all the Aurors are looking for him right now."

"Yeah, that has me a bit surprised. I told them where he was a long time ago." Said Loki. Sirius looked surprised.

"You did? And you never told me? I don't want to be walking down the street someday, and get surprised by a few trigger happy Aurors."

"You've been granted amnesty, remember?"

"Oh yeah."

"He was?" asked Remus.

"Yeah, I pulled a few strings with the American government. They're pretty cool about helping out guys who have been framed and never got a trial. They're big on habius corpus here."

"Aren't you supposed to be at Hogwarts Harry?"

"Nope. I'm a student of the Celestial Academy of Extended Learning. CAEL, or as I like to call it, a backwards leak. "

"Never heard of it."

"Of course not, I made it up." At this, Loki and Sirius shared a small chuckle.

"What about your education?" Loki waved his hand and conjured up a bottle of Tequila and three shot glasses.

"I have a good comprehension of magic. Better then most alive." He pored them all a shot. "Cheers." Loki was about to take his shot when Remus reached out and grabbed it.

"Aren't you a bit young to be drinking?" Remus asked. Sirius started laughing.

"That's what I thought too at first Moony. Then he took me to a bar and drank me and three other fellows under the table. Then he took all their girlfriends back home. At least, that's what he claims."

"Hey, I am the god of multiple orgasms. Those three ladies can certainly attest to that."

Remus took his shot. "I have a feeling I'm going to need a few more of those."

"Ok, but if you end up in a dress like Padfoot here, I will be taking pictures."

"Pictures?"

"Sure. You want to see Sirius in drag singing karoke?"


	9. Chapter 9

June 1993

Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic in Great Britain, sat in his office, contemplating how important he was. In other words, what he normally does at work.

A postcard was then delivered to him. He took a moment to look at the picture one side of it. It appeared to be a muggle photograph of Sirius Black on the beach. He turned it over and read it.

_Dear Fudge,_

_I'm enjoying the beach. Glad you're not here._

_Sirius Black_

_Ps, I bet a friend of mine this still wouldn't help you find me._

In the end, Sirius would win 20 dollars off of Remus on this bet. Loki would have no part of it. He spent that money on a lap dance. Which he had a picture taken of, and a copy sent to Fudge, along with a thank you note.


	10. Chapter 10

October 1993

It was an early morning, and Hermione Granger wanted to get to the library for some research right away. The sun was barely up. She was an eager student.

As she walked, she noticed two figures up ahead. One was practically caring the other. Upon closer inspection, she saw that the person being carried was Professor Lupin.

"What's going on?" She asked. The other figure looked at her. She recognized him from the book store a little over a year previous. His spiked blonde hair was a bit of a give away. The only other person she knew with blonde hair like that was Malfoy. But he never spiked it, or helped anyone out for that matter.

"Wild night. It seems the good professor isn't as young as he once was." Loki chuckled at that. He figured it wasn't his place to give up Remus's secret. "I'm just taking him to the hospital wing. Now, don't go starting any rumors about us being lovers Ms. Granger. I don't think Remus could take a repeat of last summer."

"Why? What happened last summer?"

"Um…I really shouldn't tell you. All I will say is that it involved a lot of jello shooters and a mud wrestling match gone awry." Loki continued on towards the infirmary.

"Oh, I never got a chance to thank you for that book." Hermione said with a blush.

"No problem. I figured you'd like it."

"I'd like to make it up to you sometime."

"Ok, you can buy me a drink in Hogsmeade sometime. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get this great lump to the nurse."


	11. Chapter 11

March 1994

Remus was standing in front of his second year Gryffindor/Ravenclaw class.

"Ok class, today we're going to have a guest speaker. He's a bit of an expert on Mythology and obscure areas of magic. He may seem a bit young, but don't let his age fool you."

At that moment, Loki walked into the classroom.

"My ears are burning." Said the god of mischief.

"Ah, and here he is. Your ears are burning because I was just talking about you." Said Remus.

"Oh, and here I thought it was because I just had lunch with the headmaster, and had to listen to him talk about socks for an hour. My mistake." The class started laughing at this.

"Hello boys and girls. My name is Loki. Or at least, that's one name I go by. Its my favorite anyway." A boy in the back raised his hand. "Yes?"

"As in the Norse god of mischief?" asked the kid.

"Exactly. From what I understand from Professor Lupin, you've been talking about Mythological monsters versus magical creatures. Now, I could sit up and here and lecture all class, and you'd all pay rapt attention, I'm sure. But instead, how about we make this a Q&A? You are all welcome to ask anything you want. As long as its relevant, and not about your professor's personal life. See me after class for that." The class laughed again, and Remus blushed.

"That's quite alright, you don't need to talk after class."

"Worried I'll tell them about that night in Santa Monica with Padfoot?" Remus cleared his throat loudly.

"Does anyone have any questions for our guest." He looked around the room. "Yes, Miss Lovegood?"

"Do you know where one could find a Crumbled horn Snorlack? I asked Professor Lupin, and he didn't know." A couple of the students laughed at 'Looney'.

"Well, I'm sorry to say you won't be able to find a Crumbled horn Snorlack." Said Loki. Most of the class gave Luna a 'I told you so' look. "That's because the Crumbled horns went extinct about 200 years ago. Give or take a decade. Now, if you wanted to find a Snorlack, your best bet would be off the coast of New Zealand. The misconception I'm sure you have is that the Snorlack is a land creature. They're actually aquatic. In fact, they're one of the few water breathing creatures that come up on land on purpose. I think they like to explore it like humans like to explore under water. Does that answer your question?" The class was dead silent. They all had assumed Luna was nuts, and made things up. To have someone explain to them that she was right, or at least, partly right, was a little shocking.

Luna smiled at Loki. "Thank you. I'll have to let my father know right away. May I ask another question?" a couple of groans were released from the students.

"Go ahead." Said Loki.

"Is there any truth in the Myth that Basilisks are descendents of Jörmungandr?" asked Luna. Loki broke out into a big grin.

"I like you Miss Luna Lovegood. You ask interesting questions. As far as this one goes, no, Basilisks aren't descended from Jörmungandr. Jörmungandr never actually had any children. My theory was always that he suffered from 'tail in mouth', and that hurt his chances with the ladies." Loki laughed at his own pun, as did Luna. They were the only ones. "However, Jörmungandr's brother Fenrir is the Father of all werewolves. It was with him that the curse started." This got Remus's attention. Luna raised her hand again.

"Then does that mean you're related to all the werewolves Mr. Loki?" Loki started laughing at the girl's question.

"It depends on how you look at it. But I will say there are some I consider to be as good as family." Loki shot Remus a wink. "You know your Myths Miss Lovegood."

"Ok class, I think that's enough for today. For homework, I want you all to read chapter 7." The students started gathering up their belongings and trickled out of the classroom.

Luna walked up to Loki. "It was an honor to have you impart wisdom on us." She gave him a slight bow and walked off.

"There's something special about that girl Remus. She knows who I really am. I'm going to have to keep an eye on her."

"Not in a statutory way I hope?"

"She's a year younger then I am. So I don't think that's an issue."

"But aren't you really 5000 years old?"

"Well, if you go by that, most of the woman in the world fall into that category. Besides, I get the impression she'd be more interested in being a follower then a lover."


	12. Chapter 12

June 1994

It was the final Hogsmeade visit of the year. And Hermione Granger intended to get the most out of it.

As she walked towards the book store, she saw a familiar looking blonde man in green and gold robes. She waved at him.

"Hello Loki."

"Well, hello there Miss Granger. How are you doing on this lovely June afternoon?"

"Quite well. And yourself?"

"Fantastic. In fact, I'm here to celebrate. Would you care to join me for a few drinks in the Hog's Head Tavern?" Hermione frowned a little.

"Doesn't that place have a bit of a seedy reputation?"

"Probably, but they serve some good fire whisky. Old Abe Dumbledore knows his way around the drinks."

"The headmaster's brother works there?"

"Owns the place. Didn't you know that? I would have figured students would think that place safe for that reason alone." Loki knew the place had a reputation. But he figured if he planted this seed in Hermione, it might lead to a lot more students visiting the place. And he was all for teenage drunkenness. It made for a lot of fun.

Loki extended out his arm, and Hermione took it.

"Besides, I'm sure you wouldn't mind me getting plastered so you can pick my brain on any number of things."

The two of them headed off.

And that was the first, but not last time, Loki got Hermione drunk.


	13. Chapter 13

August 1994

The Quidditch World Cup had been entertaining. Loki treated Remus to it. Since Sirius couldn't come, for obvious reasons, Loki set him up at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada for the weekend.

Loki and Remus sat outside their tent. Post game parties going on all around them. Loki had a fancy looking hookah, which he was smoking some good hash out of.

"You sure you don't want some Moony?" he asked.

"No, I'm good. But don't you think you're a bit too self indulgent?"

"Nah, one of the best reasons to become corporeal."

And then the chaos started. A few rogue Death Eaters decided to play. People started running and screaming.

Loki just sat there and smoked his hookah.

Until a Death Eater blew up his hookah that is.

"Oh, mother fucker did not just do that." Loki got up out of his chair and walked towards the group of Death Eaters. He spotted the poor bastard that blew up his hookah.

"Do you have any idea how much good hash you just destroyed?" Loki made his right hand into a gun shape and pointed it at the Death Eater.

"Bang." The Death Eater's head exploded. His friends all stopped doing what they were doing and looked on in shock.

"I'm all for chaos. But he crossed a line. Any of you guys want to cross a line?" They all shock their heads, one even pissed himself, and retreated away.

Loki walked back over to where Remus was sitting, looking a little confused.

"Was that really necessary?"

Loki shrugged. "Probably. That was a gift from Backus though. One of my favorites."

A little while later, a group of Aurors decided to make an appearance, probably for the sake of just making an appearance.

"We have you now Death Eaters!" said Random Auror number 1.

"You guys are dumb asses. The Death Eaters went that way." Loki pointed towards where they had been a little while ago.

"But we caught you at the scene of the crime!" cried Random Auror number 2.

"Remus, has the Auror corp. initiated some sort of affirmative action for the mentally handicapped?"

"Not that I'm aware."

"Oh, that's even more sad then."

"Hey, what are you two talking about?" Asked Random Auror number 1.

"Nothing. Now why don't you be a good boy and go find those nasty Death Eaters?" It was sad how much the Aurors acted like dogs that moment. They didn't even question the request. They just turned and left.

"And you wonder why they haven't found Sirius yet?"


	14. Chapter 14

October 1994

The Great hall stood in silence as a fourth name came forth from the Goblet of Fire.

"Harry Potter." Said Albus Dumbldeore. "Oh dear, this isn't good."

The students started whispering amongst themselves.

The judges, officials and champions all met in the side chamber.

"What is the meaning of this? Hogwarts cannot have two champions!" yelled Igor Karkaroff.

"But Igor, Mr. Potter doesn't attend Hogwarts." Everyone looked oddly at Dumbledore as he said this.

"I was under the impression that he was a student here?" said Barty Crouch.

"No, he attends a smaller school elsewhere."

"Then how did he enter his name into the Goblet?" asked Madame Maxime.

"Obviously the boy didn't." snapped Mad Eye Moody.

"It's your call on how we proceed Barty." Said Dumbledore.

"You say he attends another school?" Crouch asked. Dumbledore nodded. "The Goblet is a magically binding contract. We will have to contact Mr. Potter, and have the tournament be 4 schools this year. What school will Mr. Potter be representing?"

"The Celestial Academy of Extended Learning."

"Never heard of it." Multiple people said at once.


	15. Chapter 15

November 1994

Everyone was in the Great Hall eating breakfast.

All of the sudden, the Imperial March from 'Star Wars' started playing loudly, only the those familiar with the muggle world recognized it.

The doors to the Great Hall burst open, and in walked Loki, dressed in black robes. They were billowing in a similar fashion as Severus Snape.

Following Loki were a half dozen house elves dressed as mini Storm Troopers. A good number of mouths were hanging open at the sight.

Loki marched up to the head table. The music died down.

"You requested my presence Headmaster?" said Loki in the deepest voice he could manage.

"Ah, yes, Mr. Potter. Thank you for getting here so quickly. I'm sure you are aware of the Tri Wizard Tournament and the Goblet of Fire?"

"Of course."

"It made its decision last night. And for reasons beyond our knowledge, your name came out as a fourth champion. And since you attend a fourth school….you can imagine the decision that was made?"

"I see."

In an act of great stupidity, Draco Malfoy decided to make his voice heard.

"He can't compete, he'd get slaughtered."

Loki turned and glared at Draco.

"I find you lack of faith disturbing." Loki waived his hand and Draco sprouted donkey ears. He then turned back to the headmaster. "I assume then that I'll be required to stay on school grounds for the remainder of the tournament?"

"That is correct. Arrangements can be made for your schooling."

"That is alright Headmaster Dumbledore. I am currently working on an independent project right now. I can work on it here as well as anywhere else." Loki turned and marched away from the head table.

As soon as he got to the Gryffindor table, he stopped and snapped his fingers. The elves disappeared, along with his black robes to be replaced by his normal green and gold ones. He took a seat next to Hermione.

"Hello Hermione." He looked down the table. "Would someone pass the fruit?" Everyone was stunned into silence. "What? I don't have a bugger hanging off my nose again do I?"

Hermione shook her head. "No."

"Oh, good." Hermione frowned.

"How come you never told me you were Harry Potter?" she said with a little bit of anger in her voice.

"You never asked. I told you when I first met you I went by a number of different names."

It took a moment, but activity resumed in the Great Hall.

Fred and George decided to introduce themselves to Loki.

"It's an honor to have the Great"

"Harry Potter sitting with us. But that makes us"

"Wonder why you choose to sit with us Gryffindors?"

"You two must be Fred and George. Remus told me about you. Mischief makers, I believe he said." The twins grinned at that. "I'll have to show you what real mischief is while I'm here. But as to your question, I already know Hermione. Plus, one school is sitting with the Slytherins, another with the Ravenclaws, so I figured either Gryffindor or Hufflepuff. Hermione was the deciding factor there."

"Real mischief?" the twins said together.

"Watch what one word can do." Loki turned to Ron right as he was taking a sip of juice. "Penis."

Ron spit the juice out of his mouth. Luckily no one was sitting across from him. All the juice ended up on the ground.

A second later, a student walking by slipped on the juice and fell into a group of girls at the Hufflepuff table practicing cosmetic charms right as one was about to cast a spell. The spell missed and flew over to the Slytherin table where it hit a Seventh year boy.

It made him look like a hooker. His fellow seventh years starting laughing at him. The boy in make up got a bit upset and decided to curse his friends. In his anger he started casting random spells. They flew all over.

Quickly, the whole Hall was in chaos. Students were taking cover and/or shooting off their own spells.

Loki just sat there and grinned at the twins.

Fred and George bowed down at his feet.

"We're not worthy!"


	16. Chapter 16

The Weighing of the Wands

Everyone was gathered for the Weighing of the Wand ceremony, everyone except Loki that was. They had to send out a messenger to find him.

Loki walked in.

"Alright, lets get this over with." He was unzipping his pants as he walked.

"Mr. Potter, what do you think you're doing?" asked Olivander.

"This is the 'weighing of the wants' ceremony, right? How are you going to weigh my 'wand' if I don't whip it out? And more importantly, what are you going to do for our female champion?" There were several blushes and some laughing at that.

"Not that wand Mr. Potter." Said Olivander.

"Oh."

"May I please see your wand?"

"You just said you didn't want to, make up your mind."

"Your magical wand, the one you cast spells with."

"Ah, I see. Yeah, I don't have one of those." A few eyebrows went up.

"Then how do you cast spells?" asked an eager Rita Skeeter. She had a feeling that she was going to be writing an interesting story about Harry Potter.

"With my hands, same as how I participate in auto erotic asphyxiation." Everyone looked at him with blank looks, except Fleur. "You guys are prudes."

"Would you mind giving us a demonstration then Mr. Potter?" asked Olivander. "Wandless magic is supposed to be pretty rare and weak."

"So is the Clap, but I know a good number of sailors that would disagree. Very well, what would you like me to do?"

"How about summon a flower?" Loki shrugged. He waved his hand. All of Fleur's clothing disappeared. Each of her nipples and her pubic region were covered with a red rose each.

"Satisfied?" again, more blushing. "Oh, and Fleur, if you want to 'talk' later, that might be fun." Loki winked at her.


	17. Chapter 17

The First Task

The champions were gathered in the tent. Ludo Bagman entered carrying a bag.

"Ok champions, you are to each draw from the bag that which you will face." The champions took turns drawing their dragons. Like in so many other universes, Harry drew the Horntail.

"All set then?" Bagman asked. "Good. Harry, could I have a word?" Ludo and Loki stood off in a corner. "You good to go? Do you need any pointers?"

"No, I'm good Mr. Bagman. I have a pretty good idea what I'm going to do."

"Splendid. Good luck." And he bounced off. Loki just shook his head at the man.

While all the other champions looked nervous, in their own ways, Loki was perfectly calm. He walked over to his bed. He closed the drapes and put up a 'do not disturb sign'.

As each champion faced off against their own dragon, Loki remained in his bed. Eventually, his name was called, but he didn't exit it.

Soon, one of the officials came in the tent looking for him. The official opened to curtain to find Loki with his pants down and holding a magazine.

"Come on! Can't a guy masturbate in peace around here?" the official blushed so hard he could barely talk.

"It's your turn." He squeaked out. Loki rolled his eyes.

"If I must." Loki threw the magazine on the bed, hopped up and redid his pants. "But if someone steals my magazine, I'm going to be very unhappy." Loki walked out of the tent. The official looked at the magazine. He turned white as he saw two giants in a very naughty position.

Loki entered the arena and saw the chained up Horntail. The crowd was silent as the Dragon roared. Loki rolled his eyes yet again.

Loki waved his hand, and conjured up a catapult. He then said a few unrecognizable words. A cow appeared in the catapult. Loki then walked over, aimed and fired the catapult.

"Mooooooooooo!" said the cow as it flew through the air and right into the mouth of the dragon. The dragon swallowed the cow whole.

A moment later, the dragon laid down and fell asleep. Loki walked over and picked up his golden egg. He turned and faced the judges, awaiting his score.

"Um…what exactly did you do?" asked Crouch. Loki let out a sigh.

"Honestly. The cow I conjured with packed full of crystal Meth. And anyone who knows enough about dragons know that crystal Meth is the most potent sedative for them. This dragon should be asleep for about two or three days." The judges just stared at Loki for a moment. "I call it my 'cattlepult'."

All the judges except for Igor gave Loki a ten. Igor gave him a 4, which resulted in Loki sending him a whore seeping with VD to him a week later.


	18. Chapter 18

December 1994

Loki was sitting in the library, writing away in a notebook. He refused to use parchment, thought it was too disorganized. Of course, he and Hermione had gotten into a number of arguments because Loki didn't conform to the norms of Hogwarts.

Albus breezed into the library and took a seat next to Loki.

"Good afternoon Headmaster, lovely day, isn't it?" said Loki.

"That it is."

"If this is about Severus Snape…"

"Professor Snape Harry."

"He's not my professor. Anyway, if this is about him showing up to class in Death Eater robes, I had nothing to do with it." Pause. "Ok, I had something to do with it. But in my defense, they were his own robes."

"No, this has nothing to do with that. I was just wondering if you had any idea what has become of Draco Malfoy. It seems Mr. Malfoy hasn't shown up to class in a few days now."

"Ah. Yes. Draco. I may know where he is…." Albus just twinkled his eyes at Loki. "You see, about a week ago, he took it upon himself to challenge me to a duel. Perfectly legal and all that."

"What does that have to do with his disappearance?"

"Well, he lost."

"And?" Albus asked. Loki muttered something under his breath. "Come again?"

"I said he was sold in the white slave trade in Africa." Albus's eyebrows raised a bit.

"His father is not going to like this one bit."

"If it helps, I have it in writing, the agreement before the duel. And if he has any problems, be sure to send him my way." Loki got an evil grin on his face.


	19. Chapter 19

December 1994

Hermione was walking back to her common room from Potions. She didn't notice Loki stride up beside her and walk right next to her.

"Hey Hermione." Loki said, making her scream in startlement.

"Don't do that!" she hissed.

"What?" Loki had an innocent look on his face. "Anyway, I was told earlier that my attendance to the Yule Ball is going to be mandatory, as well as bringing a date."

"Are you asking me to the Ball?" Hermione asked.

"Of course not, I'm not stupid enough to ask a girl that already has a date."

"How did you know?" Hermione asked. Loki just gave her a look that said 'bitch please'. "Fine. What do you want then?"

"I'm have trouble figuring out who I should ask. And I thought I'd ask your opinion."

"My opinion matters to you?" she asked surprised.

"More so than anyone one else here. Well, except maybe the twins and Peeves. But the three of them together couldn't get laid with a hundred dollar bill. I had Sirius try that once….actually worked, had to buy him a drink cause of it."

"I'm sure you'd have no problem getting a date Harry." Hermione had stopped calling him Loki after she found out that biologically he was Harry Potter. She also did it cause it annoyed him.

"Getting the date's not the problem. Its picking a girl that won't drive me up the fucking wall all night."

"Ah. How about Fleur? She's been giving you eyes lately."

"Oh HELL NO!."

"Why not?"

"Veela's get a bit possessive of guys who please them sexually. They try to say something about vela mates, and how it's a permanent thing, but that's just an excuse to stalk a guy. As soon as she started talking about wedding plans, I pulled my tongue out of her ass and high tailed it out of there. I've been ducking her ever sense. Crazy French bitch."

"That's not very nice you know."

"Normally, I'd agree. But she takes stalking and creepiness to a whole new level."

"How so?"

"Let's just put it this way. You're just my friend, no romantic intentions, yet I've had to intercept a good number of curses sent your way. You know that rumor that's floating around about how Hannah Abbot is a transsexual with VD?"

"Yeah, I've heard that rumor."

"Fleur started that after hearing Hannah comment on my tight sexy ass."

"Ouch. A bit vicious, isn't she?"

"Oh yeah. So needless to say, I will not be taking her crazy French ass to the ball. What I need is someone who can defend themselves from public ridicule."

"How about Luna?" Hermione asked. Loki stopped and thought about that.

"That's actually not a bad idea. I was thinking possibly either that, or see what people's reactions would be if I took a wizard instead of a witch." Hermione gave him a shocked look. "What? I can't be bisexual? That's very closed minded of you Hermione Granger."

Hermione turned red out of embarrassment and anger. Loki was just messing with Hermione. Even though, in his natual state, he was a bit on the generless side, in his current state, he was strongly heterosexual. He just didn't want to tell anyone that. It messed with some of the guy's heads more when he slapped them on the ass and told them they were looking good that day.


	20. Chapter 20

The Yule Ball

As the champions and their dates entered the Great Hall, all eyes were on the youngest couple.

Loki had decided to wear his formal god robes. They were green and yellow, and emanated power. He left off the head piece, thinking it slightly too much. Beside him was Luna Lovegood. Most of the students called her 'Looney'. But tonight, she looked anything like it.

Loki and Luna had decided it would be a good idea to make Luna look every bit the goddess in her own way. She was elegant and beautiful. Mouths were hanging open at the 13 year old blonde Ravenclaw.

Fleur sent jealous stares at her.

The champions made their way to the head table for dinner. They were to lead the opening dance after dinner.

"Oh look Luna, the minister. Good thing I haven't had my fill of incompetence today, huh?" Loki whispered into Luna's ear as they approached the table. Sitting next to the minister was Percy. Of course, Loki had never met Percy, not that he didn't know who he was. Also at the head table was Ludo Bagman, who was grinning like an idiot at Loki.

Loki ended up sitting between Luna and Hermione. Hermione was there with Victor Krum. Loki and Krum got along alright. Victor had approached Loki one day asking about his friendship with Hermione. Loki had told him that they were just friends, and that if the Durmstrang champion wanted to pursue the lovely Miss Granger, that was fine with him. He did warn Victor though, that if he hurt Hermione or acted ungentlemanly like, they wouldn't find his body, ever.

"Loki, isn't this a romantic evening?" Luna said to Loki with a sparkle in her eyes.

"Luna, no. You know our agreement."

"Oh poo." The blonde replied.

"What agreement?" asked Hermione.

"Luna wants me to take her virginity." Loki said.

"And you said no, right?" asked a slightly offended Hermione.

"I told her I would after she can beat me at connect four. So far, that has yet to happen."

"I still say you cheat." Said Luna.

"Of course I cheat. It just wouldn't be me if I didn't." A number of heads at the table turned to Loki.

"Are you saying you always cheat Mr. Potter?" asked Percy.

"It would be no fun if I admitted to that. Whether or not I do, it's the job of the judges and officials to catch me if I do. If I were to cheat, and no one caught it, then the fault would lie with them, and not me. Not that I'm saying I would cheat in this tournament, or restrain myself from doing so." Loki just grinned at the red haired man who looked a bit insulted. Ludo Bagman started laughing.

"Well said Mr. Potter. It's been an unsaid tradition to cheat anyway."

"Besides, it's not like I'd be the only one. Take the first challenge or example, I know that there were more then one champion who knew about the Dragons before hand. Not everyone, and I won't say who did and didn't. So don't get your panties in a punch their junior." Percy sputtered at the nickname Loki gave him. "Look Luna, pie." Loki pointed to a warm apple pie and giggled slightly to himself.

"I wonder if the band is willing to take request this evening?" Luna asked.

"That would be nice. I wouldn't mind grinding with you to some 2 Live Crew." Loki and Luna both grinned at this, they being the only ones there who had listened to the rap lyrics before.

Soon dinner was over, and the tables moved to make room for the dance floor. The champions and their dates made their way out to the dance floor. While the other three pairs were engaging in a traditional waltz, Luna and Loki decided a nice Tango was in order. So they danced to a song only they could hear. Some of the more prudish professors looked a bit outraged that the young pair would dance in such an inappropriate way.

After the opening dance, Loki and Luna walked over to where the twins were standing with their dates. Fred and George had been planning on spiking the punch, as cliché as that is.

"You guys don't need to worry about that." Said Loki. "Its already been taken care of. I convinced the elves that the proper way to make southern fruit punch is with half of it being made of 160 proof whisky. Or if they couldn't find that, some moonshine. I hope they went with the moonshine, in honor of my hot date here." Luna blushed at Loki's compliment. The twins broke out in identical grins.

"Cheers mate." They said at the same time.

It didn't take long for a good number of students to become intoxicated. And to mix it up just a little bit more, Loki made sure some Spanish fly and/or Viagra ended up in some of the adult's drinks.

After a few dances with Luna, they now not being the most naughty dancers, Loki joined Victor in a conversation while their ladies 'freshened up'.

"So, Hermynini, tells me you claim to be the avatar of the god Loki?" Victor asked.

"That's correct. You know much about my peoples?"

"Dah. Some of my family still prays to you and your family. Well, maybe not you so much. But to Odin for sure." Loki spit out a sip of butterbeer at that.

"Odin? Odin's a fag."

"Isn't he your father?"

"Brother. I hate how some of the myths messed that up. We're what you would consider step brothers."

"Interesting. So you being a god gives you an unfair advantage in this tournament?" Loki shrugged.

"I guess. But I'm not the one to get upset at if you feel outclassed. As much as I wish I could take credit for it, I didn't place my name in the goblet. It was your governments that asked me to compete."

"But don't they think you're Harry Potter?"

"Maybe. I guess it depends on how competent they are. If they knew, you can get mad at them for making you compete with a god. If they didn't know, you can get mad at them for being stupid. Either way, I'm just here to have fun and cause a bit of chaos." The two of them looked around the room.

"Your work I take it?"

"Yes. And sadly, this is barely anything. No offense, but wizards are so easy to mess with. Everything I lined up for tonight took about 5 minutes of planning, and 10 minutes of execution. Pretty sad, huh?"

"Dah. Espcially for all the girls who are going to end up a bit less innocent."

"Let's not forget guys. I have a feeling there are going to be a few buthymens broken tonight." The two sharred a shudder. "Ah, look, our women folk have returned." And they had. Luna and Hermione walked back over to their dates.

"What were you two talking about?" asked Hermione.

"Man on man anal loven." Said Loki nonchalantly.

"If you're not going to tell me the truth…"

"He speaks the truth. Why we were talking about it, is beyond me." Said Victor.

"Come Loki, if you're not going to deflower me tonight, you're at least going to snog my brains out all night." Said Luna.

"Yes ma'am. Might I request we do it within view of the French coach?" The two blondes ran off to have some fun. What no one knew, was that Loki had left behind a few more surprises.


	21. Chapter 21

The Second Task

Loki was leisurely strolling down to the lake, whistling a tune. He didn't seem to have a care in the world.

Ludo Bagman rushed up to Loki.

"Good morning Harry. All set for today?" Ludo asked.

Loki shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, I guess."

"You don't need any pointers do you?" Loki raised an eyebrow.

"Isn't that against the rules Mr. Bagman?" Ludo blushed a little at that. "Besides, I have a plan. This event should be …interesting, to say the least." Loki continued on walking, leaving behind a confused Ministry official. Bagman didn't see the grin on Loki's face as he walked away.

Loki walked over to where the other champions were gathered. They were all dressed in swimming attire. Not Loki, he wore his normal robes. They all raised an eyebrow at him, or just looked at him like he was nuts.

"What? You think I'm going to go jump in a lake? Fuck that." Said Loki under his breath. A moment later, Albus Dumbledore spoke.

"Champions, each of you has had something special taken from you. You have one hour to retrieve it. At the stroke of noon, you are to begin. Good luck."

It was only a minute later that the cannon fired, signaling them to start. Cedric, Fleur and Victor all took off for the lake, wands out. Loki just stood there grinning for a minute.

Mad eye Moody walked over to Loki. "Don't you think you better get started Potter?" he asked.

Loki just rolled his eyes. He reached into his robes and brought out a piece of chalk. The crowd looked at him confused.

He sat down and started drawing a very elaborate circle in the ground. It had various symbols and weird writing all around it.

It took him 10 minutes to finish it. Then, he stood up and waved his hand over it. The circle started to glow.

"Activate." He said. The circle flashed and then appearing in the center of it was Luna Lovegood, soaking wet…not like that you pervs. She opened her eyes.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Luna, what did I tell you about downing a whole bottle of fire whiskey?" Loki asked.

"Not to do it without you?"

"And?"

"Say no to wizards when they ask me to come with them late at night when I'm drunk?"

"Exactaly."

The judges rushed over to inquire what happened.

"Um…Harry, what exactly did you do?" asked Ludo Bagman.

"Summoning circle, what did it look like?"

"But weren't you supposed to go and rescue your hostage?" asked Percy, who was filling in for the missing Barty Crouch.

"You must have ended up in the bottom half of your class. I did rescue her. See, me use magic, make girl appear." Loki said the last sentence slowly for the pissed off red head.

"And in record time too, Mr. Potter." Said the Headmaster.

"Yeah. Any chance I can get my scores now? Or do I have to wait for the other champions?"

"You have to wait."

"Tarter sauce." Said Luna. Loki started laughing, everyone else looked confused.

So they sat there and waited for another 50 minutes, waiting for the other champions to resurface.

In the end, Loki received the highest score (again, Igor tried to shaft him, result in his asshole closing up for a month), Cedric rescued Cho, Victor rescued Hermione, but Fleur failed to rescue her sister.

Even with Igor being a douche, Loki was still way out in the lead.

After the scores were handed out, Luna insisted they go back to the Ravenclaw common room for a game of connect four.


	22. Chapter 22

The Third Task

Fred and George were taking bets on which champion would reach the TriWizard Cup first. Harry Potter had the best odds. He had been kicking ass the whole tournament. Not to mention, he was getting a huge head start into the maze.

As soon as the giant cannon fired, they stopped taking bets. Even though Harry was the favorite, a lot of kids were betting on their own school. The silly French were betting on Fleur. She had some pretty long odds, but you never know, miracles happen. Just look at when those monkeys flew out of Igor's ass twenty minutes before the final task.

Eventually, some of the champions had to be pulled from the maze due to injury. After about two hours, the only one still in the maze was Harry.

The crowd continued to wait for him to come out with the cup.

They waited, and waited, and waited.

After a couple hours, it was decided to check on the cup. Dumbledore sent out search parties. They searched the whole maze, and were unable to find either Harry Potter, or the TriWizard Cup.

Students were allowed to go back to the castle, but the rules of the Tournament prevented the judges from leaving until the Task was complete. They made themselves comfortable, and waited.

Three days later, a disheveled looking Harry Potter strolled up the grounds, and to the Judges tent.

"What happened?" asked Dumbledore.

"The cup was a portkey." Said Loki.

"Where did it take you?" asked Ludo Bagman. In the background, Alastor Moody looked a bit nervous. He sprang forward.

"Can't you see the boy needs medical attention? I'll take him up to the hospital wing right away."

"No, that's ok. I'm pretty good. The portkey took me to Tijuana." Said Loki.

"Speaking of, where is the Cup?" asked Dumbledore.

"Ok, that one's not my fault. I lost it in a poker game to this guy El Guapo. And the only reason I had lost, was because I had drunk a lot, and I mean a lot of tequila." Everyone looked stunned at the boy's protest.

"I think young Harry has been hit with a confusion spell. I'm sure he was taken somewhere sinister, and forced to partake in a ritual to resurrect You-Know-Who." Said Dumbledore. Everyone looked at the old man like he had lost it.

However, it was right at that moment, that Moody started to shake. He changed back into Barty Crouch Jr.

"Oh my god, it's a Time Lord! He's regenerating." yelled Loki. No one was paying attention to him, as the 'adults' hurried to subdue Crouch. "Nobody appreciates my humor." Loki grumbled to himself.

As Crouch was questioned, he told a tale about how him and Wormtail had set everything up. He proclaimed that his master had to be back now.

The Ministry officials all thought he was nuts, and had him kissed right away. Much to the protest of Albus Dumbledore, who was sure that Tom Riddle had risen once again.

Loki just sat in the back ground. He knew what was really going on, and how none of them knew the truth.

A good number of years before, Loki had approached Tom Riddle with the offer of Immortality. All he wanted in exchange was a vow of loyalty. Riddle jumped at the offer. Immortality was what he always wanted.

Many Myths and Legends depict Loki as the god of lies. And any deal he made with mortals, always had fine print that ended up fucking the mortal over. The deal with Riddle proved what a bastard Loki could be.

He was granted Immortality. All the fragments of his soul were placed into that of a doll. Loki very much enjoyed the movie 'Child's Play', and used that as inspiration. He was even nice enough to give Riddle a toy wand that would work for only him. The bad man could cast all the spells he was able to when still human. But this was the only wand he could cast with.

Riddle felt a little cheated, but Loki told him he held to his end. As long as Riddle remained loyal to him, he wouldn't be able to die. The loyalty vow made Tommy boy hesitant, because he thought it meant he had to be a good little boy. That wasn't the case. Loki dropped him off in America, and said 'just don't do anything to act against me, and we're cool.'

Riddle was happy, for the first day. He figured he had gotten the best of the god really. Then he lost his wand. He tripped, and it fell out into the sewer. He spent a couple weeks down there searching for it.

What he didn't know, was that Loki had arranged for him to loose it, and had it himself. He kept the letter of their deal. He just figured it'd be funny to let the Dark Lord loose in America with no means of using magic.

So, the Dark Lord wasn't behind any plot that day. True, Barty and Peter had tried something, but let's face it, they're not the brightest bulbs in the bunch.

Loki and redirected the portkey. He was tempted to ask Cedric if he wanted to take it with him. But he knew from the grapevine that Diggory couldn't hold his booze to save his life. But he wasn't alone in Mexico. He had Sirius meet up with him.

What he didn't tell anyone, was that before he lost the Cup in the poker game, he lost his godfather. Sirius had to act as a whore in their brothel for a week.


	23. Chapter 23

June 1995

Albus Dumbledore sat behind his desk, sucking on a lemon drop. He was waiting for Harry Potter to join him. He didn't have to wait long.

"You wished to see me Headmaster?" asked Loki after he entered.

"Ah, yes Harry. I was wondering what you had planned for next year?"

"Well, I finished most of my work. Unfortainately, I have to wait almost two more years before I can submit it."

"What exactly were you working on this year?"

"My mastery thesis." This made Albus's eyebrows shoot up.

"Mastery? But you haven't taken your OWLs or NEWTs yet."

"Actually, I have. I took my NEWTs about a year ago. The curriculum I'm under is a bit more…advanced then Hogwarts. I took my OWLs when I was 12, NEWTs at 14, and Mastery thesis by 17. I just happened to finish the first draft of it pretty early. I plan on tweeking it over the next two years. They have this rule where you can't get a masters until you're at least 17."

"And what is your mastery going to be in?"

"Well, the Dark Arts actually."

"You mean, Defence against the Dark Arts?"

"No, I meant what I said."

"That's a bit unsettling Harry." Loki just shrugged.

"Well, a portion of my thesis does talk about how to defend against the Dark Arts."

"Ah, I see. Back to my original question, I was hoping to offer you enrollment here for next year. But if you've already completed your NEWTs, that might be a waste of time."

"Actually, I wanted to ask you about that. I quite like it here. And you seem to have an opening for a Defense Teacher. I would like to apply for the position. I obtained an O on my NEWT, plus being the TriWizard Champion."

"You are correct, those are some impression credentials. And I tend to have a hard time finding someone to fill the position. My only concern is your age. You'd be teaching students who are older then you."

"I don't think that will be much of a concern." Loki grinned at the thought of students questioning his authority. Oh, the fun he will have.

"Very well then, welcome to the staff Mr. Potter."

"Thank you Headmaster. I don't suppose there's any chance I can be there when you tell the rest of the staff?" Oh, to be a fly on the wall when Snape found out.


	24. Chapter 24

The Playboy Mansion

Loki strolled into the mansion like he owned the place. The security staff didn't give him any trouble. Most of them knew who he was, or at least, who he said he was. He was a friend of the boss man's, so they didn't give him any trouble. They all like their jobs after all. Who wouldn't?

Loki walked into one of the more elegant bedrooms. Laying on the very large bed, surrounded by a number of naked models, was a black haired doll in a green and silver silk robe.

"I see you're enjoying my room Tom." The doll just grinned at Loki.

"What can I say? It's a nice place to visit."

"I can't argue with logic like that."

"Are you here for any particular reason Loki? Or have you come to take out your lustful needs on these fine beauties?" All the girls giggled at Tom, and eyed Loki like he was a rich piece of meat. \

"Actually, I'm here on business. I have a proposition for you."

"I'm listening."

"It seems in his infinite wisdom, the great Albus Dumbledore has hired me as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor for next year."

"You're shitting me? You? At your age? Motherfucker turned me down cold cause I was too young. And I had almost a decade on you." Loki shrugged.

"What can I say? I'm just that charismatic. Anyway, I was wondering if you'd care to come on as my teaching assistant." The doll's eyebrow rose.

"You want me in that castle? With all those impressionable minds?"

"Don't forget traitorous Death Eaters."

"Ah, yes, Severus. I imagine he wasn't happy when you got the job?"

"You should have seen his face. Do you remember when we shoved that pineapple up that ape's ass?"

"Yes?"

"The ape looked a whole lot happier then our Potions Master when he found out. I was lucky enough to be passing by the staff room when it was announced."

"Lucky, huh?"

"Ok, so I bugged the room. I intend on selling the videos and making a fortune. The muggle born students alone would be a fine penny."

The two of them shared a laugh for a moment. Loki reached into his robes and pulled out a tape. He tossed it to Tom.

"A present. Oh, and I didn't tell you the best part either."

"It gets better?"

"Yeah. The old man thinks that a few weeks ago, you kidnapped me to perform some horrible experiment to restore your body. He's raving about it to the press and Ministry. Everyone thinks he's nuts. Especially since I can't back up the story. I told everyone the truth. I went to Mexico and got drunk off my ass."

"So he's gone to red alert over nothing? And you want me to come to the castle to mess with his head?"

"First of all, you've been watching too much Star Trek. And second, of course. It'll be fun."

"This is true. But if I'm going to be your assistant, I want something in return."

"I figured you would. What would you like?"

"My son."

"Robert?"

"Exactly. Dumbledore hid him and his mother years ago. I have no idea where. I'm sure you can work something out."

"Yeah, I'm sure old Albus could be convinced that moving him to Hogwarts would be 'for the greater good.' Of course, not like I'll give him much of a choice."

"Excellent" Tom said in his best Mr. Burns impression.

"You watch too much T.V, especially for a Dark Lord."

"Blow me."


	25. Chapter 25

Hogwarts

Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, doing what he liked to do most. No, it wasn't beat it to pictures of Bea Arthur. That was his cousin's grandson's obsession. Wade was an interesting boy. Weird by even Albus's standards.

No, Albus was sucking a lemon drop. Then his fireplace lit and out popped the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge.

"Good afternoon Dumbledore." Said Fudge.

"Ah, Cornelius, how delightful to see you. What can I do for you this afternoon?"

"I've come to inform you that the Ministry has just passed Educational Decree number twenty two. I thought it would take till late August, but that's the Ministry in action for you." Fudge handed over a roll of parchment to Dumbledore. Albus read over it for a second.

"This is very fascinating Cornelius, but I'm not sure I see how this applies?"

"Come now Dumbledore, you haven't been able to get yourself a Defence teacher for next year. I know it. So, I'm here to inform you…"

"I'm sorry, but you are much mistaken. I found a teacher at the end of last year. Everything's been signed and we're ready to go." The stupid smile disappeared from Fudge's face.

"But I've already told Madame Umbridge that she'll be teaching next year."

"Then you're going to have to apologize to the good Madame. I don't happen to have any vacant spots at the moment."

"Well, is your man, I assume it's a man?" Albus nodded." Is your man up to Ministry Standards?"

"Not only is he the youngest to ever receive an O on his NEWT, but he was the champion in the Tri Wizard tournament, run by the Ministry." Fudge's eyes bulged. He now knew who Albus was talking about. "So I would say he's up to Ministry Scratch." There was a twinkle in the old man's eyes.

"You're telling me you hired a 15 year old boy on as Professor? That's outrageous. I'll be telling Madame Umbridge that she'll be starting September 1st."

"No, she will not be Cornelius. Mr. Potter is very well qualified. He has already signed his contract for the year. And as it is my job to hire teachers, not yours…"

"What about Educational Decree number twenty two?" Fudge was sounding less like a Minister, and more like a child be scolded by the Headmaster.

"It says here that you may only appoint someone in the event that I am not able to find anyone. And as I have already hired someone I consider qualified for the job, I believe this subject is closed." Fudge looked like someone had just kicked him in the balls. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. He was to plant his own person in Hogwarts to take over. Oh well, he'd have to think something new up now.

"Very well then. Since that is all, I'll be getting back to London now."Fudge got up and bee lined for the fireplace.


	26. Chapter 26

New Jersey

Jay and Silent Bob were standing in front of the Quick Stop. It was a lovely Wednesday morning in late June. By ten, they had already sold half their supply for the day.

"Yo, at this rate Silent Bob, we'll be done by lunch time. Then I can gets me a fucking pink taco. Nootch." Jay said, putting two fingers up to his mouth, and sticking his tongue out between them. "I looooove me some sweet pussy."

Silent Bob just rolled his eyes and lit up another cigarette. As bad as Jay was, it was better then listening to the two quick stop boys. They were always either angsting over some chick, or talking about how Darth Vader was a closet homosexual. They needed to get a life.

A blonde kid in a loose green hoodie walked over to the two drug dealers.

"How much do you two still have to sell for the day?" asked the kid.

"Why you want to knows kid?" asked Jay.

"Because I'd like to talk to you two in private, and I figured that it'd be easier if I bought what you have left for today, so you don't have to worry about it." The kid took out a roll of 100's from his pocket and tossed it at Silent Bob.

"Shit kid, for that kind of cash, I'll have lunch box here blow you in the ally." The blonde kid just laughed.

"Nah, I don't swing like that. You guys hungry? Lunch will be on me." The two stoners followed the kid to the nearest Denny's.

"So what the fuck do you want kid?" asked Jay after they had seated. "Cause I ain't doing no porno without seeing the girls first." Silent Bob just looked at his lifetime friend like he was the idiot that he is.

"Actually, I came here to talk to your silent partner." Silent Bob just nodded at him, as to say 'go on'. "First, let me ask you something. Do you guys believe in magic?"

"In a young girl's heart?" finished Jay. "Fuck that shit man."

"No, I meant literal magic. Wizards and witches and shit." The two Jersey boys just shrugged. "Well, there's a hidden society of magic users all over the world. Particularly in Great Britain."

"This is a nice bed time story in all, but what does this have to do with tubby here?" asked Jay, the mouth piece of the duo.

"I'm getting to that. Anyway, a number of years ago, a man by the name of Tom Riddle started acting up. He was what they call a 'Dark Wizard', killing making a play for power."

"Like fucking Vader?"

"Sure. Anyway, Tommy boy's reign comes to a halt in 1980 when he's stopped by a baby. That's a story for another day. But today, he's retired and kicking back. But before that happened, he hooked up with one of his followers, a Jennifer Malfoy. From what I hear, back in the day, she was a crazy bitch. Around 1970, he knocked her up. The good guys got wind of this, and abducted Jennifer and her unborn child. Now, I should mention that those in power over there have their heads so far up their asses, it's not even funny. Instead of killing the woman, they decided to alter her memory and hide her. They also bound the magic in the unborn child, afraid of the scion of the Dark Lord. If you haven't already guessed, Jennifer Malfoy started going by Jennifer Blutarsky." Silent Bob's eyes widened at his mother's name. His mind was working at a mile a second.

"Wait, isn't that your mom tons of fun?" Jay asked his partner. Silent Bob just slowly nodded his head.

"Like I said, Tom's retired as it were now. But he asked me to find you, because he wants to get to know his only son."

"He still sounds like Vader, and that makes Silent Bob fucking Luke Skywalker. He wants you to rule the fucking galaxy with him!"

"Just so you know, your father isn't exactly…human anymore. The one thing he always wanted was immortality. He achieved his goal a few years ago, sort of."

"You never told us who you are kid." Said Jay.

"I didn't introduce myself? How rude. I'm Loki, god of mischief, chaos and multiple orgasms."

"You mean like Loki in those Thor comics?" Loki sighed.

"I hate those fucking comics. They make me out to be the bad guy, and a huge prick. I'm only a slight prick."

"So you really a god then?"

"Yeah. I've been asked to teach at a wizarding school, and Tom is going to be my assistant. Mostly to fuck with the status quo. His price for helping though, is he wants you to come visit for awhile. And yes, you're welcome to come too Jay."

"Why would we want to visit some fucking school for wizards?"

"Well, it's also for witches. And it's a boarding school, ages 11-17."

"So there'd be a lot of kids to sell to? And jailbait chicks? I ain't getting arrested yo." Loki was silent for a moment, looking as if he were trying to decide something.

"Ok, I'm going to tell you something I'm sure I'll regret later. The age of consent in the magical world is only 15, not 18 like it is here." Jay got a wicked grin.

"I'm gonna get some pussy, I'm goon get some pussy. And we're going to sell to some magic brats. Money and pussy, fuck yeah Silent Bob, we gotsta go."

Silent Bob looked like he was in deep thought. Then he asked the question that was on his mind, "Who am I?"

"Why don't you come with me and find out?" responded Loki.


	27. Chapter 27

September 1st

Hermione Granger, 5th year prefect marched down the train with a look of strong determination and fury on her face. A younger student had informed her of what was going on. Not on her train.

She reached the compartment. It was completely filled with smoke. You couldn't see through it at all. Hermione slammed open the door.

"Just what the bloody fucking hell do you think you're doing in here?!" Hermione yelled.

"Hermione Granger! Such language. I'm so proud." Said Loki, who was sitting on one of the seat,. but Hermione couldn't see him through the smoke. Hermione pulled out her wand, swished it through the aid and all the smoke disappeared. She looked around the compartment. She saw Luna sitting on Loki's lap. It wasn't exactly pg rated. Sitting across from those two were two boys who looked to be about her age, maybe slightly older. And there was the oddest looking doll sitting on the last seat, holding up a magazine entitled 'Jugs'.

"Loki. What are you doing here? Dumbledore talk you into coming back as a student?"

"Nah, even better. I'm the defense teacher this year." Hermione's eyes widened. She moved into the compartment, closing the door and budging in next to Silent Bob.

"You? A teacher?"

"Yup."

"An authority figure?"

"\Yup."

"The molder of impressionable minds?"

"Scary, huh?"

"What the bloody hell was that senile old goat fucker thinking?"

"Wow Hermione, I always thought you were a bit of a prude." Said Luna. Hermione glared at Luna for a moment.

"Wait, if you're a teacher, then you shouldn't be fooling around with Luna like that!" asked Hermione.

"Nope. There's an ancient loophole, dating all the way back to the founders of the school. A teacher is allowed to have 'relations' with a student as long as the student is betrothed to the teacher."

"You and Luna are getting married then?" Hermione was a quick girl.

"Nope."

"Explain."

"I made Luna the high priestess of my temple. Under Ministry law, that's the equivalent of making her my betrothed. It's ancient wording that goes back thousands of years, and I've used it as an excuse to get so much ass, you have no idea at all."

"So, to recap. You're not only a teacher, but a teacher who's having nasty sex with a fourth year student?"

"Yup." Said Loki and Luna together.

"Finally beat him at connect four?" Hermione asked Luna.

"You have no idea how much vodka and porn it took to beat him."

"Porn? What did you need porn for?"

"To distract him."

The conversation is broken up by Jay coughing. "Excuse me, but aren't you to introduce us to this fine piece of ass?" he asked, motioning towards the girl on the other side of Silent Bob.

"And who are these two?" Hermione asked Loki.

"Oh, my bad. Hermione Granger, this is Jason Darris, and Robert Riddle. Guys, Hermione Granger, smartest witch you'll ever meet that's not Luna."

"Damn son, blonde one has you whipped already. Such a sad day to see such a great god pussy whipped like such a little bitch."

"Shut it you."

"Riddle, that sounds familiar." Said Hermione.

"Well, his dad, Tom Riddle is sitting over there in the corner." Loki said, pointing towards the doll. The magazine moves to the side as Tom waves at Hermione.

"That's Tom Riddle?" Hermione turned white. She knew who the Dark Lord really was.

"Yeah. He's my teaching assistant this year."

"But I thought Dumbledore said he got a new body? That he kidnapped you at the end of the third task?"

"Yeah, see, the thing is….Albus is crazy as a shit house rat. He's totally out of touch with reality. Personally, I want to stick around Hogwarts just to watch the show."

"I feel so disillusioned right now." Hermione reached over and pulled the joint out of Silent Bob's hand. She takes a big hit of it herself "This year is really going to suck. I'm half tempted to bitch slap Minnie for making me prefect."

"Aw, come on Hermione, this year is going to be a lot of fun." Loki just grinned. It was a very scary grin.


	28. Chapter 28

Severus Snape was a hated man. Not just by the students, fellow teachers, members of the Magical community, and humanity in general, but by fate and possibly other cosmic forces.

Severus was sitting in the Great Hall, awaiting the start of year feast and Sorting Ceremony. He was also sitting next to the spawn of his worst enemy, James Potter. Harry was everything Severus knew he'd be; arrogant, cocky, full of himself, dreamy. Wait, he didn't just think that to himself. No way. Nope. He didn't think that the new Defense professor was in any way shape or form scrumptious.

"Tell me Potter, what makes you qualified to teach these dunderheads?" drawled Snape. Loki turned from his thumb wrestling match with Hagrid.

"The fact that I know more about the Dark Arts then anyone in this room, castle and country?" Loki was able to pin Hagrid's giant thumb with his head turned towards Snape. "For example, take necromancy…."

"You practice necromancy? That's highly illegal."

"Would you let me finish? I was gonna say, I know one of the biggest, yet most secret reasons necromancy is illegal."

"Do tell."

"Most governments fear the ability to speak with the dead. The living have no secrets from the dead. Imagine the chaos it would cause if the dead were able to reveal just about any secret or even unknown fact? I don't use necromancy much myself, but I do have the ability to communicate with the dead. Being a kick ass god has it's upsides."

"I highly doubt that you have the ability to speak with the dead. You just make things up."

"I'm just making things up am I?" asked Loki. His voice grew quite, so only Severus could hear him. "Then how about we discuss Lily Evans?" Snape's eyes widened. "She hates you for what you did. The fact that you were responsible for the death of her family…. It doesn't matter if you were childhood friends. She is never going to forgive you for that." Snape looked shocked. "And before you start babbling on and on about how you turned spy to make up for it, we both know that's a bitch excuse. You only ever wanted her, damn James Potter and his brood. Lily knows this. She knows you are the reason her eight year old son committed suicide. She knows of all your sins, and she is disgusted by your actions. If you ever see her again in the next life, which I doubt, it will not be a happy reunion."

Snape, with tears in his eyes, got up and hurried out of the room as the first year students started to enter. What Severus Snape didn't know was that Loki was working on trying to get Snape to commit suicide himself. He was gonna work the potions master over hardcore. Loki and Tom had a bet going. Tom was planning on getting revenge on all of those who had forsaken him. He was gonna start by ending the lines of all those pureblood families that didn't come searching for him after he disappeared. Loki had until Tom was done with the kids to get Snape to off himself, cause when Tom finished with the kids, he was gonna do Snape himself. The bet was to see who would be responsible for sending Snape to hell, and not getting caught.

Dumbledore opened the feast with a lame speech warning of oncoming danger. Loki didn't really pay attention to it. He was having more fun staring down the twins. Molly Weasley would be in awe of the terror on her twin sons' faces. Not too far away from them, Hermione Granger sat next to Seamus, bothering him for a flask he had in his robes.

Loki rose from his chair as the feast came to an end. Dumbledore beckoned Loki to follow him. Loki followed the old goat up to his office. Dumbledore sat behind his desk.

"I received some interesting information earlier today Harry." Said Dumbledore.

"Sir, for the last time, I have nothing to do with the publications of the comic book 'The Adventures of Hench Girl'." Replied Loki.

Dumbledore sighed. "Not that. The Minister, in his great wisdom, has decided to appoint an Inquisitor here at Hogwarts. Her job will be to inspect the teachers, make sure the school is up to standards. "

"That is interesting Headmaster. I take it Fudge isn't happy with your stories of a resurrected Dark Lord?"

"That would be a great understatement." Said Dumbledore.

"I believe I understand what you're saying sir. I'll take the proper actions in such circumstances."

"Good to hear."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Loki strolled into his first class, 5th year Gryffindors. He handed out larch packets of parchments to each student.

"These are to be completed by the end of the term. Research and answer the quests as best you can. It will greatly affect your O.W.L.s. There will be no other homework besides work on practical aspects of casting. Everything in class will be practical. As you may have noticed, I assigned no text books. All of your reading will come out of the Library. If you need a pass to the restricted section, there are duplicate copies over there on the desk in the corner." Loki pointed. "Any questions?"

The class looked stunned at him. Then Draco Malfoy found himself. "Yeah, I've got a question. Why should we listen to anything you say? You're our age." Malfoy sneered at Loki.

Loki waved his hand at Malfoy.

Instantly, Draco found himself in a cage over the classroom. Giant wasps flew around the cage, trying to get at him.

"If you can exit the class with the rest of the students at the end of the period, you are welcome to teach this class Mr. Malfoy. In the mean time, you have my sympathies for you family." Loki focused his attention on the rest of the class. "Any other questions?" Nobody moved a muscle. "Excellent. Now, who's up for some hardcore dueling?" The class got a bit exciting at that point.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After class, Hermione entered Loki's office attached to his classroom.

"So, what is this?" Hermione asked, holding up the packet.

"That may, or may not be the exact questions you will see on the written portion of the O.W.L.s. All I'm saying is that it is a study guide for the test."

Hermione looked excited. "Really?" Loki winked at the girl. "What happened to your friends? I didn't see them after I got off the train."

"They headed to the house we have in the village. They aren't students, so they can't stay here."

"Then how could they ride the train?"

"Thadius Smith." Hermione looked confused. "Student of Hogwarts in the 1840s. He was at the time, the Heir of Hufflepuff. He also happened to be a Slytherin. He was cunning and smart. He was able to use the loyalty that came from being related to the Hufflepuffs in some sneaking ways. He was my hero. Anyway, he was a horrible wizard. Couldn't cast a spell to save his life. Which was ironic in the end. But I digress. He put his attention on politics. One rule, law, whatever he had made was that the Heirs of the Founders and their companions may ride the Express whenever they wish, no charge or anything."

"I see.

The first year Hufflepuffs entered their first Defense class. They had just come from their first Potions class. They were all a bit shaken. It didn't help things that there was a student hanging in a cage high above.

"Welcome, welcome my young Puffs." Greeted Loki. "You look a bit ill, let me guess, potions?" a handful of the students nodded. "Ah, I see. I think I need to change our lesson for today. I need to tell you the story of a young, brave Slytherin. Yes, they do exist. An eight year old half blood Severus Snape befriended muggleborn Lily Evans. From an early age, he was in love with the girl. He told her of magic, and they were the best of friends. But things went down hill when they got to Hogwarts. Severus was sorted into Slytherin, Lily into Gryffindor. Severus's only friend in the rival house, his only friends were his fellow Slytherins. Death Eaters in the making. Their influence evident when Severus broke his friendship with Lily when he called her a mudblood. Lily ended up marrying the one man whom Severus hated above all else, James Potter. Severus became a Death Eater. Later in the war, the Dark Lord targeted Lily Potter. From that instant, Snape turned against his only friends. He became a spy for Dumbledore. Severus Snape is a brave man, who has put himself in a no win situation. He is Dumbledore's bitch for helping him out. He takes his frustrations and losses out on those he feels beneath me, those who know less then him about potions. That's just about every student."

Those first year Hufflepuffs would forever be inspired by such a tail of love and bravery. It didn't hurt that Loki charmed the story. These kids would be inspired by it, but those who were older would see it for the sick, twisted story it really was. This story would spread at almost light speed through the school.

How fun the truth was.

XXXXXXXXXXX

That night, Draco was still hanging in the cage. He was hungry. And he was angry. Nobody seemed to care that he was locked in this cage.

Draco was pouting in such a bitch girl way, that he didn't notice the doll enter the room. He didn't notice the doll scale up the side of the wall, and back flip onto the top of the cage. Draco was oblivious to the doll sawing the rope that held the cage up. Draco did however, notice falling. And going splat. And dying.

Tom Riddle hung from the rope, laughing like the evil bastard that he was. Revenge was sooooo sweet.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

What do you guys think?


	29. Chapter 29

"Hey Baby! Wanna learn to transfigure my giant cock?" Jay yelled at a passing sixth year Hufflepuff. The girl looked offended. "If not, we'd settle for a tour." Jay said, moving up close to the now ill looking girl. Silent Bob hung back from his friend with no shame. Jay was laying all his moves on this unsuspecting girl. His moves usually got someone hurt. Usually Jay. Throw magic into the mix, and this was going to end badly.

Thank God Jay's one natural enemy decided to show up. An authority figure. Professor McGonagall looked like a woman you didn't want to mess with.

"Excuse me?" the elder woman asked, in that special kind of way that tells you you're busted on every level possible. Luckily, Jay had no shame. No shame what so ever.

Jay stood straight up. "Yes ma'am. We're here to take the tour of the school. The school charter states that all family of the founders are allowed tours whenever they wish of the school. Silent Bob is the descendent of the snake guy."

McGonagall's eyebrow's went up. "The snake guy? Really? And how do you know all of this?" she asked.

Jay shrugged. "The doll told us."

"The doll?" McGonagall didn't know whether to be angry at the boy or pity him.

"Listen lady, there are only three truths I live my life to. One, weed is the best thing ever. Two, I love pussy. Thee, yous don't fuck with the doll. Ever. If the doll tells yous to do something, yous fucking do it. Or yous end up like that faggy looking kid that died a few weeks back. Or his two bitches who bit it shortly afterwards. Or the first one's fag hag, what's the hoe's name? Anyway, yeah, don't fuck with the doll." Jay's attention was broken by the arrival of a passing by Seventh year Gryffindor. Jay followed after her, "Hey baby, wanna show us round the caste? All the private spots?" The old transfiguration teacher eyed Silent Bob. The heir of Slytherin just shrugged and walked off towards his friend, wishing that he could light up a cigarette. That'd be the first thing he does when they leave the castle later on.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Mr. Potter!" shrieked one of the ugliest voices Loki had ever heard. He turned back towards the great hall and saw the toad woman.

"May I help you mister?"

"I'm Delores Umbridge. The Ministry's High Inquisitor."

"Yeah. I remember old crazy Albus saying something about that. Wasn't sure if it was real. You can never be sure with old Albus. One minute he's talking to you about some student he taught a century ago, then all of the sudden there's some big emergency he has to rush off to and save. Mad as a hatter, and in all the worse way. Anyway, I'm glad to see you're real. Oversight is always a good idea in my book. Keeps things interesting." They really did. It made it more fun to get away with things when you had more people watching you cafefully. This crazy bitch was going to be fun to play with.

"Mr. Potter, I wanted to ask you about the recent accidents here at Hogwarts." Umbridge said, trying to lead Loki off away from the students. Loki followed. He had nothing to fear from her.

"At this time, I can't say if there's anything to these accidents beyond them just being accidents."

"Come now Potter, surely you're on Dumbledore'd band wagon that the Dark Lord has returned and is punishing his ex followers?"

"What? No! I honestly thought Albus was tripping shrooms when he told us that one night. I asked how much he paid, and he wouldn't admit to anything. Though, I will admit I have noticed one pattern to the murders."

"You mean that they were all Purebloods?"

"Not that. They all died in accidents that magic should normally have compensated for. Most wizards or witches who fall a few feet tend to bounce or something magical. Some innate reflex saves almost all wizards and witches from such mundane deaths." Umbridge didn't like the use of the word mundane. In some circles it was the same as the word muggle.

"Mr. Potter, I attempted to visit your classroom yesterday, and I was stopped by a mostly gastly corridor. It was filled with such darkness and creatures, I could not reach your classroom."

"I apologize for the timing Madame Umbridge. I have the corridor before my classroom set up as a practical area sporadically. A class has to get through it before the end of the period to get credit for the day. It tests what they should know up to that point in class. When did you say you were trying to visit?"

Umbridge looked somewhat impressed, "Yesterday at 4 pm."

"Yesterday at 4, would have been my second year Hufflepuffs." Delores looked very put out. "Perhaps you should schedule an appointment then, huh?" Umbridge nodded, angrily. "I'll have my secretary get back to you on that. I don't do any of my own scheduling." Loki strolled off, leaving one confussed and angry frog woman. A similar situation many years prior in Tokyo, had resulted in an epic battle for Godzilla.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Lucius Malfoy was a well connected man. He had his ear in every conversation worth listening to in Wizarding politics, and what not. It was through these connections that he heard about some analyst department making a guess about Harry Potter. The name alone sparked interest for Lucius, this was the boy who fell his old master. Lucius had conflicted feelings about the boy. On one hand, Riddle was so rapidly crazy after splitting his soul so many times that rule under him could turn into a hell for everyone. On the other hand, he had to bend over and kiss so much ass, and bride so many idiots to stay out of prison.

What Lucius learned from those analysts, was that Potter was powerful. Potter was power. They had data from the whole Tri Wizard Tournament. Potter's claim at being an avatar for an old Norse God. Lucius decided to ask his son about Potter.

Never had the elder Malfoy want to beat his child. Draco was clearly a spoiled child. He couldn't stop spouting delusions of how he should have been champion. Lucius didn't get much information from his son. He did however warn Draco not to piss off Harry Potter at any point, ever.

Draco was an idiot. Lucius blamed it on his wife's side of the family. Look at her mutt of a cousin.

That's why it didn't surprise Lucius too much when he learned that Draco was killed at Hogwarts. Lucius found out pretty quickly, thanks to his contacts. This put one thing in Lucius's mind, and set him on one action. He packed up a small bag and got the fuck out of town. If Harry Potter was pissed at his family, he as gonna hide out in an opium den for a few decades. He'd let his bitch of a wife handle any problems on this end.

That's what wives were for.


	30. Chapter 30

October 31st is an important date in the wizarding world. A number of important things have happened on this date. Most recently, the current Dark Lord fell on that day. Fourteen years later, history would be made on that day again when two men met each other.

Neville Longbottom trudged down the road of Hogsmeade on Halloween. He had been visiting the local greenhouse acquiring some seeds. Neville was a quite kid. He kept to himself, and didn't have very many friends. He was happiest when playing in soil, deep in thought. Neville was a very deep young man.

"Yo, bro." a voice called out to Neville. He turned and saw a couple of kids his age standing in the alley behind the Tavern. "What you doing?" The two boys walk over towards Neville. Neville got a bit nervous. He wasn't very good with people.

"Um…just came from the uh…greenhouse." Neville said.

"That's like plants and shit, right?"

"Uh…yeah, that's right."

"That's pretty fucking sweet yo. I like plants. Especially cannabis." Said Jay.

"Cannabis?" asked Neville. As a pureblood wizard, Neville had never heard of weed. Jay was about to enlighten him.

"It's a sweet little green plant that you smoke. It makes you feel pretty chill. Wanna try?" Jay pulls a joint out from behind his ear.

"Uh…sure." And with that, Neville Longbottom smoked his first joint. Neville was attracted to how much more alive his thoughts were. It wasn't long before Neville was growing a very large crop of cannabis in his personal green house. The one in his secret compartment trunk. The one no one else has any idea about.

Being a natural Herbologist, Neville started experimenting with the cannabis. When breeded with magical plants, he got some….interesting results.

Neville's partnership with the Heir of Slytherin would bring about more money then either could ever dream about in the years to come. It all starting with Neville growing weed for Jay to sell to Hogwarts students.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Anyone want to tell me why the twins are in pink dresses today?" Hermione Granger asked around the Gryffindor table.

"That'd be my fault." Said Dennis Creevey. "They pranked me yesterday, so I needed to get them back before Defense this morning." Explained Dennis.

"Wait, what?" asked Hermione.

"Professor Potter has this policy that if the twins prank you, you have to prank them back before the next class, or else."

"Or else what?"

"No one knows. No one wants to know. "

"How were you able to prank them Dennis? No offense, but they're seventh years, and experienced pranksters, and you're just a second year."

"Oh…I had some help. " Dennis grinned as Hermione sighed.

"Who helped you Dennis?" Hermione asked, not really expecting an honest answer.

"I'm not supposed to say. It's not something that's supposed to be talked about in public."

"It's not?"

"Nope. Kind of like that underground cult of muggleborns and half bloods who worship The Doll, and plot to kill all the pure bloods."

"Wait, what!" Dennis shrugged, then slowly turned and booked it so fast out of the Great Hall you'd swear he was the Flash. Or as he would later be known in his professional career 'the Flasher'. Don't ask. Not now. Not ever.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Neville, would you mind staying after class?" Loki said over his fifth years. Neville nodded his head in recognition. "Don't worry Ms. Granger, Mr. Longbottom is not in any trouble. So you can calm down before you get too excited." Loki lowered his voice as he walked close to Hermione. "Besides, I know he's your friend." Loki winked at Hermione.

Neville stood alone in the classroom with Loki. His eyes were pretty red. Loki just grinned at the boy.

"So I see Jay has introduced you to a little green friend. How do you enjoy it Neville."

"Very much so."

"That is very interesting Mr. Longbottom. Cannabis interacts with wizards in different ways. Some have the ability to use the plant as a magical enhancement."

"Really?"

"Yes. Really. And before you ask, yes I can help you. I can get you started on your journey. And I can point the way to go after me. But the first thing you need to do is conquer the weed. Keep smoking in strict but plentiful moderation for the next couple of months. Prove your strength, yet revel in the life style. Get used to casting your magic while stoned. You'll like what you start to see eventually. You must be aware though, there can be negative reprocussions of your the plant controls you, and your magic, it will be become twisted and tainted. Never a good site."

"Do you smoke Professor?"

"Me? Not really. But I know enough from the party gods who came up with pot related magic. Being the God of Chaos, you'd be surprised how useful that kind of information can be."

"Er…I'm sure." Said Neville. He was one who was never sure about Poter's claim to being a god. Loki walked over to his desk and pulled out a small pouch and tossed it to Neville.

"You and Jay enjoy this sometime. My treat. " He didn't include that it was heavily enchanted herb. Nothing that would harm the boy. Loki had no ill intent towards Neville Longbottom. He actually saw potential in the boy. He just needed to manipulate the boy for a second to prove a point to Tom.

Probability spells were a specialty of Loki's. He placed a number of spells on Neville to attract a certain chain of events. Enhancements that would trigger enhancements. The next time that Snape acted like his usual ass self to Neville in class, Neville will create a potion that will explode at the right moment killing Snape. Neville will honestly think it an accident. When Dumbledore goes looking in Neville's head, which he will, as we all know; all he'll find is the message _"The power he knows not is humility."_

Tom and Loki had a bet going about whether or not they could get Albus to believe that the prophecy had already come true. Loki had proposed this course of action. The two of them couldn't come to an agreement to as to how Snape would die. They thought they should get some purpose out of his death. And hey, this also helps give Neville some street cred. The boy could really use some of that. Loki had to make sure to leave a memory in Snape's pensieve about Neville's parents defying him three times in the past. Really mess with the old man's head. Oh, and he'd ask someone to remind the old man that Snape once called himself a Dark Lord in school.

The only real flaw in the problem that no where did it involve Snape getting anally violated by something larger then a half orc. Luna told Loki that if he could involve that in Snape's fate somehow, she'd let him take her back cherry.

Loki wasn't too worried. He knew Luna well enough. He'd get back there at some point soon.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Luna Lovegood was a unique child. One of a kind. No one could duplicate Luna.

Who else would be able to skip along in the dungeons singing the theme song from the Smurfs?

Anyone else crazy enough to do that would usually end up lost, cursed, raped, or all of the above. Everyone knew not to touch Luna. Everyone knew she was pretty harmless. It was her boyfriend the professor that scarred everyone. There had been a number of unsolved murders that year. And no one could quite pin anything on anyone. But those who knew what was really going on, they could see a pattern.

No one touched Luna Lovegood. Ever.

The irony of the older student's actions allowed for the younger students to see Luna for the friendly, non judgemental, and wise person that she is. She became a role model to the younger students that year.

Slytherins figured she was just raising her army from an early age.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hermione Granger entered the common room to find Neville sitting next to the fire with a large glass bong. No one else was in the common room. Hermione walked over to Neville.

"Neville, what are you doing?"

"Potions homework."

"You honestly expect me to believe that?"

"Everyone who hasn't, has only asked for a hit to be on their way. Most people around here really are more sheltered then you realize." Hermione pulled up a seat next to Neville and took the pipe and hit it hard.

"Wow, go Prefect girl." Neville said as Hermione puffed out a large cloud of smoke.

"Thank you. Thank you." Hermione did a mini bow. The two of them sat in silence for a moment. "Hey Neville, I didn't know you smoked this stuff."

"Yeah, Jay introduced it to me."

"Why do you like it, if you don't mind me asking?"

"It's like all the time, I have these voices whispering in the back of my head, telling me I'm not good enough. If I listen hard enough, I think they're my family. When I smoke, those whispers go away. I find that I have more confidence, and am at peace more. If you haven't noticed, my spell work has improved a bit over the last couple of weeks."

"I had noticed that."

"Professor Potter told me that some times there are Wizards that react well to cannabis. I think he even mentioned that if his friend Jay had any magical ability in him at all he'd be a killer Stoned Mage."

"Stoned Mage?" Hermione asked. Neville just shrugged.

"I think it sounds funny too. But that's what these guys in the States call themselves. They've mastered magiks related to cannabis. "

"Are you sure? It sounds kind of sketchy to me."

"I looked these people up in the library. They're for real. Considered a bit of a joke by our ministry, but then, they're all wankers anyway."

"Neville!" Hemione had never heard Neville use any kind of profane word in her life.

"What? You disagree?"

"That's not the point. You shouldn't be using such language in front of a lady."

"You are so right. Let me know if a lady becomes present."

"Ha. Ha."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Neville was sitting in Defense, blazed out of his skull. He had smoked so much hard magically enhanced chronic before class, he could barely see straight. Loki realized how fucked up Neville was, so he couldn't resist himself.

"Any questions?" Loki asked, directing some subtle magic towards Neville.

"Yeah, I have a question." Neville raised his hand. Loki pointed at him. "How do you get raped by a doe?" The class looked at him with stunned expressions. "No. Seriously. My gran made me watch this muggle film, and they sang this song and one of the lyrics was 'Doe rape Me.' How the fuck does a doe rape a guy? I mean, a normal girl on a guy would have enough trouble raping him, let alone a deer. Ew."

"Ok……..any questions relevant to this class? Oh, and five points to Gryffindor for oddly fascinating journey into the mind of a teenager Mr. Longbottom. Kevin Smith would be proud."

"Who?" asked Neville.

"Nevermind." Loki did this job more for self amusement then anything. He loved fucking with the kids' heads. He didn't do things for good or bad, more like instead of letting a kid slowly approach the wheel of destiny; Loki chucked the kid like a midget at a drunken midget throwing contest in Texas. Not the one at the Crawford ranch though. That one pulls the averages way down on midget throwing contest statistics in general.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**A/N: What do you think? If you can't tell, I was doing a pretty good impression of a pie while writing this chapter. I think it was funny. And when I giggle, I consider it a job well done.**


	31. Chapter 31

Hermione, Neville, Jay and Silent Bob sat in a circle in the Chamber of Secrets. The chamber became their favorite social place to smoke. It was secret, and the only two people in the castle who could get down there were Tom and Bob, neither of whom were on speaking terms with any teachers. The weirdest thing was when the Basilisk wanted to join him. It didn't every time. But now and then, it did. Bob kept his mouth shut about what the King of Serpents like to babble about when baked out of it's mind.

"So, Hermione, you figure something out for that special assignment due tomorrow?" Neville asked.

"Of course. Have you?"

Neville sighed. "Not really."

"What assignment?" asked Jay.

"Harry gave us a special assignment due last class before term ends, which is tomorrow. Who ever can come up with the funniest boggart form wins a prize." Hermione said.

"What the fuck is a boggart?"

"It's a creature that takes on the shape of what ever you're most afraid of." Neville said.

"I ain't scared of fucking shit man. It wouldn't take the shape of nothing with me."

"Bullshit!" the very stoned Neville said, ignoring Jay's horrible grammer.

"Fuck you wizard boy!"

"Prove it Yank!"

The two of them got up and hurried off, leaving Hermione alone with Silent Bob.

"You think those two will be alright on their own?"Hermione asked.

Bob shrugged, took a hit and passed the joint to Hermione. She moved over close to him and took it.

Of all the oddest friendships to form, Hermione and Bob became good friends. Whenever Jay would want to sneak into the castle to chase pussy, Bob would hang out with Hermione. Usually in the library, but not always. They made a good fit with each other, she liked to talk and he liked to listen. She was different then Jay though. She actually said things. Smart things. And she never insulted him once.

The two of them sat there in silence for a few moments, passing the joint back and forth. It wasn't long however, until the two were snogging.

The mostly squib heir of Slythering with a Gryffindor muggleborn. Somewhere, Marvollo Gaunt was rolling in his grave.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day in defence, after collecting their 'study guides', Loki asked the students who had a story to share. Almost all the hands in the room went up. Everyone had boggart forms to share. Hermione and Neville waited to go last. They each thought they had the best form.

"Hermione, who and what's yours?" Hermione smiled at Neville.

"Neville Longbottom. His form, last I personally saw it was of one Severus Snape." Most of the class laughed at the memory. A number of students kicked themselves for not using that one.

"Ouch. How bout you Mr. Longbottom? Yours better then yourself?" Loki asked.

Neville said through a grin at Hermione. "Bitch." He then stood to address the class. "Jason Derrick. His form is of himself sucking the penis of a faceless man." The class lost it. They all knew who Jay was by this point. Just about every girl in the school had filed a complaint against him by this point. Half the village as well. "We found this out last night. Oh, and by the way Hermione, my form changed."

Neville sat back down. Hermione whispered over to him. "What was your new form?"

Neville pointed at Hermione, then at himself, then he started to violently dry hump his desk. The students around him thought he was having an attack. Hermione just turned red.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Loki's Christmas present to Tom was that he would cast any one spell on anyone one person for Tom. Being the calculating mind that he is, Loki gave him a month to think over the details. Tom decided to use this to kill as many of his former followers as possible.

Tom had Loki place Molly Weasley under the Imperius curse. He instructed her to bake special Christmas cookies for specific employees of the Ministry. Not the same kind of special Christmas cookies Neville made himself. These were poison, but in such a way that they were very hard to trace. Not impossible, but hard. Someone with half a brain might figure it out. But then, this is the Ministry we're talking about. And even if they lucked out, the only person getting in trouble are the Weasleys, a family Tom cared nothing about. He just knew that Molly was a well known Light side home maker. No one would think twice about cookies from her.

Loki didn't feel bad, because he knew if Molly got in trouble, Albus would be there in a second to help her. He'd just stroll in like it was happy hour at the Blue Oyster (which Albus was a regular), and tell everyone that all the dead were evil or that Molly was under a curse. Everyone would go home happy and drink milk. Or whatever it is normal people do to celebrate. Loki was always a fan of orgies.


End file.
